Royal Report:We start our weekly news chewing world tour in London. According to a new TV documentary about the British Royals, one of Queen Elizabeth’s most prized possessions is a pillow with the embroidered words: “It’s Good To Be Queen.” But it’s not true Prince Charles has a hat with the words: “Please Don’t Make Jokes About My Big Ears.”

Mars Memo:On TV last week, a NASA spokesman said a mission to the planet Mars is, quote, “a long way down the road.” Hey, I’m no space expert, but surely a rocket will be needed to get to Mars. A ROAD to Mars is a dumb idea.

Bridal ExpoVote Note:There’s a Facebook group campaigning for old people in Canada to lose the vote at age 90. Opponents of the idea say oldsters are the wisest citizens. They are more likely to cast an intelligent vote. But if you think about it, allowing very old folks to pick the next government is kind of like allowing your Grandpa to pick what movie you’re going to watch on TV, then he falls asleep when you’re halfway through watching it and you’re stuck with watching the rest of the movie without him.

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Subway Stickup:According to a U.S. crime survey: Subway is America’s “Most Robbed Restaurant.” More Subways are robbed than any other fast food outlet. By the way, they have a new rule at Subway restaurants in Canada: you’re allowed to give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 10 seconds to decide what type of bread they want.

At The Movies:Peace Country movie theaters continued showing Batman v Superman. I was kind of disappointed with the movie. Batman has gained weight. He loves to eat. There’s a scene where Batman turns his cape around and uses it as a bib.

Hockey Heck:For the first time in 46 years, there will be no Canadian teams in the NHL playoffs. Some hockey fans are saying American big business has bought the Stanley Cup. I’ll be surprised if Donald Trump is not involved somehow. He’ll probably want to re-name it the Trump Cup. He’ll want to re-name the Zamboni the Trumpzoni.

Internet Irritant:Instagram users protested about changes to the service. Why do Internet companies keep changing things? Instagram, Twitter and Facebook are all constantly changing the way they operate. Hey, I’m no tech expert, but the people who make eight-track music tapes don’t constantly change their stuff. And that’s just fine with me!

Meanwhile in Russia:Last week in Moscow, a wealthy Russian business tycoon’s son got married. There’s a report his dad spent $1 billion on the wedding. Wow, one BILLION dollars for a wedding! I hear several million of that was spent on alterations to the church. The groom asked for a longer aisle so he’d have more time to think it over.

Soccer Sue: Members of the U.S. Women’s Soccer Team are suing for wage equality. The women soccer players say they’re paid only 40 per cent of what male players are paid, even though they fake 130 per cent more injuries than the male players fake.

Kirk’s Kid? A man is suing Star Trekactor William Shatner for $170 million. He claims Shatner is his father, he’s demanding that Shatner takes a DNA test. Captain Kirk—er, sorry, William Shatner—denies he has a long-lost son. He says his lawyers will boldly go where no lawyers have gone before.

Just Justin: Last week, a photograph of Prime Minister Justin Trudeau doing a yoga pose spread rapidly across the Internet. It shows Trudeau balancing on one foot. It makes a pleasant change to see a politician doing something with his foot, other than putting it in his mouth.

The photo of Trudeau balancing on one foot clearly demonstrates the difference between Canadian politicians and American politicians. Nobody can say American politicians are balanced.

Weight Watch:If you’re overweight but you don’t want to exercise, here’s important news: a new study shows if you just watch somebody exercise it will help you lose weight. Unfortunately, reading an item in the newspaper about exercise won’t help you one bit.

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