nday night’s episode of “Bachelor in Paradise” begins with Chad’s final farewell — for now, at least.

After last week’s infamous “[Expletive] you” to Chris Harrison, Chris asks Chad, the newest franchise villain, where he is going. Chad tells him, “I don’t know, Tijuana I guess,” and I worry that he’s pulling a Marissa Cooper move and going to overdose in an ally in Tijuana.

http://www.marieprom.co.uk/evening-dressesIn the car ride to the airport, bad Chad is sad because he has just realized, “I can’t ever be the Bachelor. What am I going to do after this?” Personally, I hope he focuses on the greatness that is his Snapchat story, but I’m sure he’ll figure something out.

Chad’s rant continues as he confesses that he believes the women in Paradise didn’t like him because they weren’t supposed to, but also that he shouldn’t have drank all day before arriving in Mexico. His remedy, of course, is pouring an entire bottle of liquor into a cup to chug.

Back in Paradise, Leah who was sent home from Ben’s season for telling Ben lies about Lauren B., his now-fiancee, is the newest addition to the group of cast-offs. And so are her new hair, face and lip injections.

While the women on the island react to the aforementioned by whispering to each other in front of her (obviously), Leah announces that she has a date card.

As the group gathers to hear who gets the next date, Leah asks where Chad is. She thinks they’d have a great connection because they share a love for protein. I hope she intended for that to be her pickup line, because what a fairy tale love story that would have been.

When they tell her that he was sent home for being too “over the top” she looks defeated and says she feels blindsided. I’m confused as to how she is blindsided by this, but I’m more confused by trying to calculate how much money she’s spent on plastic surgery in the last year.

After her grappling, she musters, “Leah it’s finally time for your one-on-one. Choose wisely.” This date card note is a touch to her not being chosen for a one-on-one duringBen’s season. Unless you count the night she snuck into his hotel to tell him lies about his now-fiancee.

Nick Viall, a 35-year-old who has been rejected by Andi Dorfman, Kaitlyn Bristowe and “Dancing With the Stars,” tells the camera, “I’d like to get to know Leah on a sexual chemistry level,” which according to Andi Dorfman in her tell-all book, is a waste of (not much) time.

While Leah makes her rounds before choosing who to take on this date, Nick sits down with the twins, who no one is even making an effort to tell apart, and Jubilee, the war veteran with a collarbone tattoo. The twins blatantly flirt with Nick and Jubilee tells them not to make his head any bigger. Nick responds by telling them that his head is actually “7 and 3/8 inches” and now I know for certain Nick has measured his manhood. More than once.

Leah interrupts this riveting conversation to ask Nick on her date with, “So do you wanna go on this date?” I wonder if I should just start using that as my Bumble opener.

Elsewhere in Paradise, the twins, who no one is even making an effort to tell apart, ask Jorge the bartender for two bananas and then seductively eat them as the the men watch — this is like the beginning of a porn that is either really amazing or really terrible.

Per usual, Lace, the self-proclaimed “crazy girl” and drunk from Ben’s season, is at the bar ripping shots by herself. When the buzz is strong enough, she asks Vinny, the barber whose mom showed up at “The Men Tell All” to tell everyone he’s single, to put in a good word for her with Grant, the firefighter who is actually probably a stripper who celebrity dresses up like a firefighter from JoJo’s season, because she just can’t go home on Night 1.

Vinny obliges and convinces Grant to head to the bar to talk to Lace. When Grant gets up, I am very distracted by how short his salmon-colored trunks are.

I don’t really know what they talk about because I’m still distracted by Grant’s shorts, but I do know that Lace must have also been drunk this morning, because she definitely put on a fresh set of fake eyelashes over last night’s set of fake eyelashes and they’re all trying to fall off.

Leah, who was sent home from Ben’s season for telling Ben lies about his now-fiancee Lauren B., and Nick, a 35-year-old who has been rejected by Andi Dorfman, Kaitlyn Bristowe and “Dancing With the Stars,” arrive at the Festival de Margaritas, whereLeah wipes the sweat off of his forehead and neck as I cringe. They drink enough margaritas for Nick to find Leah tolerable and Leah to feel confident enough to kissNick. They head to the beach to make out, and at this point it appears Nick will do anything for “love.”

Daniel, a male model who doesn’t look like a male model from JoJo’s season, announces the arrival of tonight’s second date card and reads, “Nick, there are no rules in paradise, your next date is tonight.” Leah thinks she’s getting a second date, but Nick asks Amanda,the single mom from Orange County who was third runner-up on Ben’s season, instead.

Leah acts very confused at this and reacts how one does in Paradise — by drinking heavily and ugly crying for a camera.

As Amanda is getting ready for her date, Leah yells in her face, “STOP TRYING TO BE ME AMANDA!” which is funny considering Leah’s transformation into “every woman who has ever been on Paradise” since she left Ben’s season.

Leah tells us she has felt so many emotions today, and I’m pretty sure “emotions” mean sober and then drunk.

The pair head to a candlelit dinner, and the first line Nick uses on his date with Amandais the exact same line he used with Leah because the man only has one move. No matter how many times it’s failed.

During their conversation Nick jumps in and asks, “So what is it going to take for you to think you’ve found the one?” She tells him that she has two daughters and is looking for someone to add to her family,” and the guy I’m watching this episode with asks out loud, “And he’s what you’re going with?”

They leave dinner and obviously head to the beach where they sit in front of a bonfire. It’s so hot in Paradise that Leah had to wipe the sweat from Nick’s face, so naturally sitting in front of a fire seems like a good plan. They make out and Nick is 2-for-2, unlike any other time on this franchise.

At the resort, Carly, the former cruise ship karaoke singer from Chris Soules’ season, tells us that she is kind of feeling Evan, the erectile dysfunction specialist from JoJo’s season, and wants to know what a kiss with him would feel like. I want to know the exact opposite.

As Carly and Evan are sitting on a blanket, he lays his head on her shoulder, and now we know that the kiss would be one of those kisses where you can’t breathe because his tongue is way too far down your throat and he definitely probably makes weird noises.

As they hug goodnight, Evan finally leans in to kiss her and then skips away before lying in bed to tickle himself. That isn’t a joke, he actually went to bed to gently rub his fingers up and down his own chest with the look on his face a young girl gets after a dude says “I love you” to her.

Carly tells the camera that the kiss was terrible, but that maybe she would try it again because she wants to stay in paradise for another week. I get it — I’ve agreed to dates because I wanted a nice meal but not the price tag.

At the beach, Lace, the self-proclaimed “crazy girl” and drunk from Ben’s season, tells us she isn’t crazy right away and Grant, the firefighter who is actually probably a stripper who red carpet dresses up like a firefighter from JoJo’s season, are heavily petting each other in their matching too-short swimsuits before they decide to make their way to share a bed. As they crawl under the covers, we hear her say that she’s going to make him want to give her the rose. This is code for “I’m trading hanky panky for another week on TV.” Lace covers the camera with a blanket and the loud noises of kissing and moaning make their way to our screens. Naturally, the blanket trick didn’t work and we see Grant on top of Lace, likely “giving her his rose.”

Chris Harrison greets the group to remind them that the men are offering roses tonight and two women are going home. We are also reminded that if one of the twins gets a rose, the other will also stay, which really makes no sense.

All of the women express concern because there haven’t been any real connections, so they make their last moves. Sarah, who was sent home from Sean Lowe’s season and “Bachelor in Paradise,” making this her third try at love on this franchise, goes for Vinny, the barber whose mom showed up at “The Men Tell All” to tell everyone he’s single, and they kiss. Then Izzy, who was sent home the first night of Ben’s season so no one knows who she is or why she’s here, goes for Vinny and, after chugging the last of his cocktail like he’s back in Jersey, they kiss.

Leah, showing off her new lips with a blindingly red lip gloss, remembers that Nick said he likes honest, straight-forward women, so she leads with, “I know you’ve been here many times…” and just like that, she’s definitely not getting his rose. He responds, “Well, twice,” which she claims is more than he should have, implying that it shouldn’t be this hard for him to find a woman to date. She continues by suggesting his wait is over now that she’s in the picture and he tells her he prefers Amanda. So basically he pulled an Andi/Kaitlyn move on her.

Leah reacts by heading straight to the bar to rip shots and apply more of her terrible red lipstick to her terrible lip injections before moving on to her next option in paradise — Daniel, a male model who doesn’t look like a male model from JoJo’s season.

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